Surviving

Victoria stared at him in the silence for a really long time, well, at least it felt like a really long time. "Hey..." She gave a weak squeeze to his hand and smiled sadly, leaning forward to give him gentle kiss on his forehead. "You are an amazing doctor and you did everything you knew to do, you kept me longer than most patients even get... I've done my research, most get a few weeks, I've had months..." She pulled a hand back to cover her mouth, coughing and cringing at the pain it brought. "L-Listen... don't blame yourself, it's really going to be okay. I don't want you to ever think that it's your fault." She wrapped her arms around his neck as she leaned forward, hugging him gently, "Thank you for giving me the best time of my life, for loving me the way you do, for taking such good care of me. You are the only one I'd want to be with in my last days." She tilted her head to kiss his neck and then leaned back while her hands still on his shoulders.

"Let's celebrate life! I want to get married as soon as possible... I want to sleep at your side."

Michael knew she was right. Most patients never survived as long as she did. She would be considered lucky, but for him it wasn't enough. He hadn't wanted for her to simply have a few months longer life; he'd wanted to save her. He closed his eyes tight, trying to keep the tears at bay. This was the woman he'd wanted to spend the rest of his life with. This was the woman he'd pictured having a family with. This was the woman he'd loved more than he'd ever thought possible... and the woman who was now bringing his heart more pain than he ever thought he could endure. Still, it wasn't fair for him to be so sad and upset during her last few weeks.

He opened his eyes again, seeing her beautiful smile, and the fear hidden behind it. He reached out to gently caress her cheek, forcing a sad smile. "I would love that. Do you want a ceremony, or just... go to the courthouse? Anything you want-you'll have it. If it's within my power to do so... I'll give you anything you want. Anything at all!"

Victoria was trying not to cry, but she wanted to be strong when she could tell that he was about to lose it himself. He hadn't gotten to be with her for very long, but they were so in love and she didn't want to say goodbye.
"Let's make it quick and go to the courthouse... I'll have Anissa find me a dress to wear so I can look pretty for you." That was when Victoria realized that she would have to tell Anissa the news, and it wasn't going to be easy. "Just never forget how much I love you and please... let's enjoy the time we have left."

--

It had been a really long time since Anissa and Victoria had spent time together. They did talk joyfully when Victoria got engaged, but they hadn't sat together for dinner or a movie in some time since they both had their own relationships.

"I need to talk to you..." Victoria said as they were cutting up vegetables for chicken pot pie. "It's probably not a good time, but I had an appointment with Michael yesterday..."

"Oh!" Anissa tilted her head a bit, waiting for Victoria to continue. When she didn't, Anissa frowned. "Did it not go well? Are you going to have another surgery?" She laid the knife aside, trying to read Victoria's expression. She looked sad... and that scared Anissa. "Vicky... please, you can tell me anything. I'm always here for you!"

Victoria gulped against a lump forming in her throat and she put down what she was doing, "My results weren't good and it looks like I only have a few weeks left. He stopped my treatment immediately and now I'm going to be spending my time here... just... trying to stay comfortable." She swallowed hard and tried to read the expression on Anissa's face. "Anissa..." She moved over and hugged her best friend tightly, "I'm so sorry!"

Anissa was stunned. She stood as still as a statue while Victoria hugged her so tight. Tears welled in her eyes as she tried to convince herself it wasn't real. She needed to wake up from this dream... this nightmare. No matter how many times she tried though, she couldn't seem to escape the dream, so she finally wrapped her arms around Victoria and sobs tore through her throat. They were painful. This wasn't right. Victoria wasn't supposed to die. She, Michael, and Zach had all told her that God would deliver her from the cancer... that she would be completely healed. This wasn't healing though... this was dying. There is a big difference between healing and dying.

"Why are you apologizing?" Anissa croaked, resting her head on Victoria's shoulder. "You-You've fought so hard, it's not your fault. I'm sorry for not being around as much though."

Victoria smiled warmly when she pulled back and then squeezed Anissa's hands, "I couldn't have asked for a better friend than you, no matter how much you were around or not, you were still always there for me... you did everything with and for me when this battle began and I could never thank you enough. You are my dearest friend, and I adore you... let's enjoy what time is left, let's have fun! I know I can't do much, and my body is weak... but I promise that these last weeks won't be spent doing nothing. I need your help finding a dress for my wedding... well, it's not a wedding, but... you know."

Anissa held her breath for a few moments to quell her tears before replying. "So you both have decided to go through with it then?" She smiled softly. "That's wonderful. I'd love to help you find a dress too. Ah, have you notified your family? I'll sit with you when you call them... you shouldn't have to be alone for that." She wiped frantically at her eyes, for the tears still threatened. The thought of losing her dearest friend was unbearable. "You've been my best friend as well... my dear sister, more accurately. I'm so glad you have someone like Michael, too, who loves you so much. I'm sure he's hurting really bad, but... he still wants to marry you, and I think that's the sweetest thing."

"Thank you, I love you so much." Victoria hugged Anissa again after all of that, trying her hardest not to cry. She wanted to be strong for them, even if it meant not showing her own emotions about it.
A short time later, the girls sat down as Victoria notified her family. They would be coming to visit soon and it would be for the first time in months since Victoria had even seen them, and all it was was to say their goodbyes and deal with final things. Victoria got off the phone, her hands shaking and her eyes finally welling with tears.

Since it was almost summer, Victoria ended up choosing a white knee length dress. Only a few days later were the papers signed and Michael and Victoria were married. Zachary and Anissa were there as witnesses.

While Michael worked, Anissa would sometimes come over to his place where Victoria had moved, to spend time with her during the day. There was hardly a moment when Victoria was left to herself, no one wanted her to be alone.

Without Victoria there, the apartment felt really huge, and really lonely. Hagrid had long since died, and she'd never replaced him, having no need for a friend in a pet when she had her best friend. It seemed that every night she found herself curled up in the corner of her room, crying alone. It took all of her energy to be happy for Victoria, but she didn't want to make her sister's last moments sad. No, they had to be happy! But because she was so caught up acting tough for Victoria, she'd unconsciously done so with Zachary and Michael as well... both of whom would frequently text her, asking how she was holding up. They knew she'd take it hard, but the only replies they would receive would be a simple 'I am fine.' She wasn't so sure that they believed her, but that was okay. She knew that Zachary would be upset with her if he'd found her crying on her own, but it felt wrong to act as though she were the only one taking everything so hard. Besides, Michael needed his best friend, and she couldn't help but feel that he was much more important at this time.

All of the yarn she'd had, and the little keychains had been put away. Anissa couldn't bring herself to even pick up the needles lately. If she wasn't with Victoria, she was home, crying or sleeping. She kept telling herself that she would eventually get better again... but that wasn't yet happening. It had only been four days since Victoria had told her that she had only a few weeks left when Anissa first drug the blade across the inside of her arm.

"It hurts so bad..." Victoria tossed another bloody tissue into the trash can, although her aim was very off due to the fact that her limbs were very weak and it missed. They had been for some time, but she avoided having to use a wheelchair or be stuck in bed all the time. Confident she would get better, she'd always tried to do things for herself. Michael had to explain to her that her body was actively shutting down, but Victoria was having trouble understanding, though she did feel really different than what she had before. It was painful, the coughing was like being stabbed, her joints ached all over and her back hurt. It made it hard to want to sit up, so she found herself curled up in bed.

Michael had just informed her that Anissa had arrived. It had been roughly three days since Anissa had been over and Victoria wondered what had happened. In an attempt to properly toss her tissue, she got out of bed and grunted as her feet touched the floor, protesting her movement. She stood though, and just as she reached the tissue, she collapsed to the floor, pain shooting through her. Trying not to cry, she reached out and got it into the bin, only to be trapped on the floor. Michael and Anissa must have heard her fall, because the door flew further open only seconds later. Michael was upset, but only scooped her up and put her back into the bed, asking her why she got out in the first place, that whatever it was could have been gotten by him.

"Sorry." Victoria was about to reach for a tissue when Anissa handed her the whole box. "Hi... sorry you had to see that, Ani..."

Anissa smiled softly, shaking her head. "Don't worry about that." She said, pulling the sleeves to her light jacket further down her wrist. She didn't want Victoria or Michael to see her arms. They looked really bad now, and she was certain that if anyone found out, she'd be yelled at. That scared her; she didn't want to be yelled at.

She picked up Victoria's hand and squeezed it lightly. "Sorry for not visiting sooner... I had a few things I needed to take care of. Have you seen Zach? He's been really busy at the hospital lately, so we haven't spoken very much lately." She saw Michael's surprised expression, and tried not to let it bother her.

"I'll be at the hospital today... want me to tell him to call you?" Michael asked with a now somewhat worried expression. He was staring at her sleeves.

"No, it's alright. He's busy saving lives, so it's okay."

"No, it's not okay." Victoria cleared her throat, "It's not, let Michael tell him to call you! You need your boyfriend right now because things are really tough and you can't tell me you haven't been hurting, please... tell him you need him and let him love on you or something." Victoria was worried, she'd never seen Anissa look so tired before, and it was unfair that she couldn't do more to be there for her best friend. In fact, she had never felt more like a failure, her life was reaching its end and she wondered what she could do to help Anissa through that. She then turned to her husband and motioned for him to get close to her so she could give him a kiss before he went to work. Once that was done, she patted a spot on her bed for Anissa to sit down.

"Come here... please? Talk to me... rant, do what you want. I'm not going anywhere." Victoria felt like she was lying and betraying Anissa, it just wasn't fair.

Anissa sat on the bed as she was told, and kicked her shoes off her feet. Although, she wasn't so sure that she would be saying exactly what Victoria wanted her to say, so she needed to find an excuse that was reasonable, but wouldn't hurt Victoria. Unconsciously, she fiddled with the sleeves to her jacket as she thought of what to say, making sure they never showed more than just her hands. "I... I'm really scared of losing you." She finally admitted. "It's terrifying. You've been my best friend; my sister. You've always been there for me to lean on when things got tough, and even though I know I'm supposed to be able to lean on Zach too... I just feel like..." She sighed. "I don't know, I guess I get this feeling sometimes that he's on a different level than me. Like, he's got everything figured out, and he's always so optimistic... I just don't want to drag him down." She had said more than she intended. "Anyway, today shouldn't be about me, Vicky! It should be about you! Does Mike have your favorite ice cream stocked? Should I go get you a bowl?"

Victoria listened and wasn't really surprised when Anissa tried to change the subject, "You haven't been with him for very long and you're used to me... you're used to being able to know how I'll react and what I'll say. That's what you have to do with Zach too, and I'm sure that he wouldn't want you to hide how you're feeling from him. I want to know that when I'm gone, you'll have someone to run to. Whether it be God or Zachary... I want to know that you aren't alone. I want to know that you'll be okay, and I just... I'm concerned about you." She hugged Anissa gently and rubbed her sister's arm. "Whatever you do, don't isolate yourself... don't be afraid to talk to Zachary."

God... how could you run to God? Wasn't he some big man up in the sky, casting judgement on everyone? Didn't he have expectations for everyone that were too high to meet? She tried not to show her dislike of that suggestion, but Victoria's expression showed that she already noticed Anissa's reaction. "Zach runs to God for all of his problems too." She sighed sadly, beginning to braid a tassel at the hem of Victoria's blanket. "When... I mean, why did you choose to go to God? I mean, how can he help? I don't really see how he could care about anything we're going through. He's got other problems, like wars and stuff to deal with."

Victoria smiled softly, "Through Michael, I began to believe that God had bigger plans for me, that if I followed Him I wouldn't have to be afraid anymore... I guess that's why I'm not really scared of dying. I am... though, I am sad about what I'll miss here. I wanted to have a family with Michael, I wanted to see you get married to Zachary... there were a lot of things I wanted to do, but I'm not angry. I'm not mad that I'm dying, I'm just... okay. I know you'll probably get upset at me, but it's out of my control and I just don't see why I need to stress over something I can't change. I'm at peace." She hugged Anissa again, "I feel like I'd probably be more afraid had I not made that decision."

Anissa nodded slowly. "I guess... that's good. I don't really understand it, but it's good that you aren't scared. I don't want you to be scared." It wasn't that she didn't believe in God; she supposed she believed in something, be it a higher power or whatever. So, there had to be a God... but Anissa couldn't agree that he was at all active in anyone's life. If he was, there would be a lot less sadness in the world. If he were active... Victoria wouldn't be dying right now. He'd know that taking away someone so crucial to Anissa's happiness would be terrible. Still, it was happening.

"Your last days should be filled with happiness... so let's put a smile on your face any way we can!"

Later, Zachary showed up for lunch with Michael at exactly one o'clock on the dot. It was one of their favorite diners and anytime they went there they only ever ordered pancakes. It was a sunny day, though it often felt dark lately with Victoria's death looming ever closer, and he could tell upon seeing Michael that things were not easy at home. He sat down at the table across from his friend and smiled sympathetically. "Hey, so you wanted to talk to me?" He said, "I know things are tough right now, so if there is anything I can do at all to help out, I hope you'll let me know."

Michael wasn't exactly sure how to approach the subject easily. He knew Zach would be unhappy to hear what he had to say in regards to Anissa, but it was something the man needed to know about. "Vick and I are holding up pretty well, thanks... but that's not what I wanted to talk to you about today." He cleared his throat, and rubbed a bit at his temple, frowning deeply. He only needed to look at Anissa to know the direction she was heading, so he knew that if Zach was so cheerful... he hadn't seen his girlfriend lately. "It's about Anissa... she's taking this whole thing really hard. Vick told me that she's not a Christian... did you know that? I wouldn't have guessed it, but now... now I can see it. It's the middle of summer, and every time I see her, she'd either wearing long sleeves, or a jacket. Her eyes are swollen like she's been crying a lot, and she's really pale. I know you're busy, but I think it's time to you ask for leave and visit her pretty soon." He rubbed the back of his neck, anxious about what Zach's reaction would be. "She looks about as bad as I remember you being."

Zachary's face paled when he heard Michael compare her to how bad he'd been. "I was suicidal... how could I have been so stupid not to notice? I... she always looks great when I see her, and I didn't even think... I feel terrible." He leaned forward and rested his head on his hands, "I of all of us should know what this looks like and I'm failing her as a boyfriend. I'm not trying to have a pity party, but you shouldn't have had to tell me this. Alright, I'll take leave for a couple of weeks, she needs me now more than ever, so I'll go stay with her and keep an eye on her if she'll let me. Or do you think that's too much? If she's getting bad then... I just don't want her to be alone."

Michael nodded slowly. "I had only assumed you hadn't seen her lately. I guess she is trying harder to hide it from you. Don't blame yourself... I suspect she's just a lot better at hiding her feelings than she lets on." He offered his best friend a sympathetic smile. "Keep a really close eye on her... don't make the same mistake I made with you. She's not a Christian so... I mean, I'm most likely going to lose Victoria. I'm prepared for that. It hurts so much, but I'll see her again someday. If you lose Anissa though... right now, you'll never see her again. I can't let you go through that, Zach. So this time, I'll be the one to tell you that no matter what it is... if you need me, you call me. Anissa is Vick's most important person... I feel like I'd fail her if anything happened to Anissa. So... whatever it is, I'll help you."

Zachary's heart sank, but he knew that Michael was right. He also knew that once Victoria was gone, that things would get increasingly harder for Anissa, and he had to do his best to be there for her through it all.
"Thank you for letting me know."

It wasn't long before Zachary got his time off and started staying at Anissa's place, keeping her company on lonely nights and often driving her from place to place. Living with her had definitely made him more aware of what was going on, she did wear jackets and hoodies a lot, her eyes were often bloodshot, and she was really pale. Memories of a dark time in his life came flashing before his eyes when he watched her. The closer Victoria's death came, the worse Anissa looked.

"Do you want to go see Victoria today?" Zachary asked one morning while making some breakfast.

Anissa wasn't really sure whether she wanted to see Victoria or not. It was better described as her needing to see Victoria. She needed to know that her sister was still alive, and she needed closure if she died. She tugged on the sleeve to her jacket and winced when the fabric drug itself against one of the more fresh cuts that lined her arms. It was from that morning... she'd woken up from a bad dream. She smiled a little, and nodded slowly. "I probably should. I don't want to regret anything." Zachary wasn't the only one to have taken leave... Michael had as well. He wanted to spend as much time with his wife as possible, and Anissa understood that. She would probably do something similar. In fact, she had. She'd already taken vacation time from the daycare... she couldn't take care of the children right now. She didn't have the energy.

"Although... I assume Michael wants some time alone with her. I've been there almost every day for a while now."

Zachary gave her a sympathetic smile and put a plate of breakfast in front of her so she could eat. "It's up to you, so just let me know if you want me to drive you over there. I'm sure she'd still be happy to see you despite how often you visit. Besides, Michael understands perfectly... he knows the two of you are very close. So just say the words and we'll put our shoes on and go." He leaned over and kissed her forehead before going back to the kitchen to get his own plate. She must have been so hot in those jackets, especially since it was summer and she had the air conditioning on sixty-five to accommodate her attire.